Return to Auros IX: Battle #1 by
Patrick Eibel and Kenton Kilgore
Orks vs. Orks: something you don’t see every day! It promised to be a mess of bloody hand-to-hand combat. Patrick would be playing Sho-T and his Blood Axe boyz, while I would be assuming the role of Speedo and his Kult of Speed.
Seeing as how Pat owns a massive collection of greenskins, I went to his house without a single figure of my own (I didn’t even bring dice, templates, or measuring tape--just a camera and a notepad). Pat had a list of all the Ork units we owned, and we took turns picking which ones we wanted, just like he and I (and probably you too, if you were an American kid in the Seventies and Eighties) did in games of football, basketball, or baseball, whether in gym class or after school. That’s right, no drawing up army lists ahead of time, just “Let me have those Trukk Boyz--how many points are they, and what do they come with?””
Blood Axes (2000 points)
by Patrick Eibel
That’s a whole lot of Boyz and a whole lotta dakka, and there’s no way that Kenton and that weedy git Speedo can handle it!
Kult of Speed (1999 points) by Kenton Kilgore
The strength of a Kult is its speed and mobility; its weakness is its lack of numbers. My “kunnin’ plan” was to use my strength to engage a portion of Pat’s army and create gross mismatches. As you will see, that was, of course, easier said than done.
Setting Up by
Pat and I put out four objectives: two fairly close together on my side of the board; one on Pat’s far left flank; and one towards the middle, near the first two. I decided to hold the two on my side right away and go after the one in the middle. The last objective (on my right) on Pat’s side was too far away to be viable: I didn’t have enough guys that I could afford to split up my forces and send some to try and take it. If Pat wanted it, he was welcome to it, and it was so far off that the forces that held it would not be able to do anything else in the battle.
I clumped my army on my left side, starting off with two Trukk Boy Mobz (“Tan Squad 1” and “Freebootaz”) stationed on top of or near the two closest objectives. Everything else I put into a wedge of transports, cyboars (proxied Warbikes) and Buggies, ready to zoom forward using as cover the plentiful buildings and other scenery at that end of the table.
Pat deployed most of his army to counter mine, with Gretchin out front, backed by Shoota Boyz. The Lootas took up a position atop a tower, where they would have cover and clear lanes of fire. Tankbustas and Stormboyz started off on and behind (respectively) a large hill, with the Looted Wagon between them and the rest of the ladz. Sho-T and his ‘Ard Boyz began in their Battlewagon, far on Pat’s left flank (my right), intent on seizing the objective that I had already written off.
In most cases, the “Ork” player (that is, me) gets the first turn, but Pat (aided by the hated Loyal Green Die ™) successfully managed to steal the initiative, and the fight was on! Because this battle is Orks vs. Orks, the play-by-play will be in “proppa” Ork-speak: it might help your comprehension if you mouth the words as you read along, in the same way that all Orks (and most Baltimore Ravens fans) move their lips when they read. If you have a low tolerance for butchered English, you may wish to skip to the end to see what happened….
Turn 1 by Kenton Kilgore
Da Tankbustas were da first ta fire, lettin’ da Trukk uv da Orange TopKnot Boyz (named cuz uv dere hairsquig style, uv curs) have it wit some dakka, makin’ it a right proppa wreck wit its self immobilizeed and its big shoota krumped. Da Lootas shot next at da Trukk uv Tan Squad 2, and dere ride went KABOOM! undderr dem. Two Tan Boyz got demselves perished in da big ‘blosion, and da Freebootaz next ta dem went ta ground like girly grots so as dey didn’t get dere pretty dresses all mussed up.
One mess uv Shoota Boyz let da Freebootaz ‘ave it wit dere big shootas, nixin’ one ‘boot. Da udder Shoota Boyz gave some hot led to da Dethskullz’s Trukk, but nuttin’ doin’ dis time. Finalish, da Boom Wagon made a big wet spooge on da Boarboy Nobz, hittin’ nine of dem and waxin’ two. “Nertz!” Speedo snarled.
Da Freebootaz and da Tan Boyz 1 sat tight-like while da rest of Speedo’s ladz moved up plenty quick-quick. Tan Squad 1’s empty Trukk came and picked up Tan Squad 2; da Orange TopKnotz got in da empty Trukk uv da Freebootaz. Firin’ off a hol mess uv dakka from da Boyz and Buggies, the Kult bagged one uv da Lootas, but da next turn was sure to have sum more-Orky fistykuffs.
Da Lootas let da Trukk wit Tan Squad 2 have it, kerblowin’ it up and vaporeezin’ five uv da boyz. Shoota Boyz gunned at da Boarboy Nobz and fragged one. Da Boom Wagon spunked at da Speedomobile but missed by five inches plus anudder four inches (yooze know dat Orkies ain’t gud at nummers ovah five).
Da Orange TopKnotz zommied up to da objective-tingy in da midda uv da board while most uv da rest uv da Kult made da move-it-move-it closa ta Sho-T’s gits. Da Buggies gave sum kerfoom ta da Lootas, zotzzin’ annuder Mek. Fire from rokkits and Trukk-mounteeed big shootas bagged three Stormboyz. Speedo and his Slugga Boyz did the hop-out by sum Shoota Boyz behind a wall and gave dem sum ventilashun, gunnin’ down five and annuder four (lotz of dem from Speedo’s burna).
Den it wuz time fer da gud stuff: right proppa krumpin’, up close and personal-like. Da Boarboyz, Tan Squad 2 (wut wuz left uv dem, anyway), and da Dethskullz charged da Gretchin (dey wuz in da way) and slobberknocked dem all witout losin’ a single Speedo-boy. Da Nobz swept forwards five inches and annuder inch; da Tan Boyz went up four inches; but dem thievin’, no-good, backstabbin’ slacker Dethskullz only went one inch, prolly cuz dey wuz too busy filchin’ da ded grots’ pockets.
A lil wayz off, Speedo and his Slugga Ladz jumpied ovah da wall at da Shoota Boyz and gotz dere faces full uv led and fists before dey could haul off and lay down sum smakk. When da frakas wuz dun, five and five Shootaz had been varnished, but so had five and five and three Sluggas. Da Slugga Nob tried to beat some sense inta his boyz wit his bosspole, but nuttin’ doin’. Speedo and da rest uv his ladz got trouncied, and dey had to rabbit outta dere plenty quick-quick every which-way and dat. Iffn yooze wanna get teknikal aboutz it, deze were “Caught inna sweepin’ ‘vanz and destroyzered,” but yooze knowz as well as I doz dat Speedo will be back again sum day….
Sho-T’s ride drove up to da far objektive and parked it; he and his boyz hopped it out and he grabbed the tele-nokularz from Sprokkitz. Sho enuff, dere wuz Speedo doin’ da high-step off da field, like da wet end he wuz. Sho-T chuckled and lit hisself a ceegar fer some celebrate-akshun.
In da Shooty-Shoot Faze, da Boom Wagon fired at Tan Squad 1, up dere all high-an-mighty in dere tower, but missed. Da Tankbustas smoked da Trukk uv da Orange TopKnotz, kareening it around and killin’ two uv da fruity-haired zoggers. Da Stormboyz got in on sum uv dat, shootin’ dey sluggas and takin’ out five more Orange Boyz. Da Lootas gave some zzap to da Boarboy Nobz, pastin’ a Wound on one. Both mobz of Shoota Boyz let da Nobz know dey wuz dere, killin’ three uv dem.
Den it wuz time fer more gud stuff. Da Shoota Boyz behind da wall (da onez dat had run off Speedo and kompanee) bricked dey diffikult terrain test and stood dere lookin’ stoopid. Da udder Shoota Boyz jumped off da line at da BoarNobz and Tan Boyz 2: when da dust settled, Sho-T’s Shoota Boyz had lost five and annuder two (all but one uv dem from Nobz doin’ da stompy-stomp), da Cyboar Nobz wuz gone, and da Tan Jobz had lost four and decided “fergettid.” Da Tan Klownz hoofed it out uv dere, fallin’ back five and two inches like da worthless moist pus-bagz dey rezemble.
Da Stormboyz brought it fer da Orange TopKnotz Trukk Boyz, knockin’ down all but da Knotz Nob (and dey wounded ‘im, too, just to show dey kould). The TopKnotz did whack five uv da Stormies, but dere wuz plenny more uv dem left. Da Knotz Nob legged it and da RokkitPakkerz let ‘im go, cuz it ‘ad been a right-good punch-up.
Juss cuz Speedo wuz gone didn’t mean dat his Boyz didn’t have sum fight in dem. Da drivah uv da Speedomobile hit da gas, and it rumbled forward, krunchin’ three of Sho-T’s Shoota Boyz unda its deffrolla: Har! Har! Big shootas from Trukks, rokkits from da Buggies, and bang-bangs from da Dethskullz bagged annuder five Shoota Boyz, and den da Dethskullz made it all konfrontashunal whenz dey charged.
Da Dethskullz nailed five and three Shoota Boyz, da Shootaz only notched five, and den Sho-T’s boyz were leggin’ it like skeered Eldar twinkiez. Gatherin’ up looze change from da ded Shoota’s pockets, da Dethskullz slipped it back to dere ride and waited to see what da rest uv Sho-T’s boyz were gonna do ‘boutz it.
Da Shoota Boyz dat wut ‘ad given Speedo da boot stumped it forward, ta get inta da mix, az did da Tankbustas and da Stormboyz. The ‘bustas let annuder BombSquig off da chain, and it ran KERBLOOIE! inta da back uv da Speedomobile, kersplodin’ it inta a jillion-and-five pieces, and nixin’ two of Sho-T’s Shoota Ladz who wuz standin’ too cloze, da stoopid apez.
Da Lootaz cut sum on da Dethskull’s Trukk, mooky-fookyin’ it, and den da Stormboyz and both setz uv Shoota Boyz (da weedy kowards wut wuz boltin’ and da boyz wut ‘ad just loss two in da Big Boom) unloaded on da Dethskullz, waxin’ not one blue-tattooed Speedo-boy. In bedder nooze, da Boom Wagon made a big bursta ovah Tan Boyz 1, who ‘ad ta dukk like weedy Guardsmen and still lost two.
All embrassied at ‘how dey ‘ad brikked dere shootin’ ‘gentz da Dethskullz, da Stormboyz krashed in and gave dem da boot, wipin’ dem off like dingleberriez and loozin’ two Rokkitboyz. Den da Stormies hunkered down in sum covah, krakked dere knukklez, and kongratzulated demselves onna gud piece uv work.
Da fight wuz drawin’ to an end, so da Freebootaz, who ‘had been ‘angin’ ‘bout like useless monkeez inna neerby buildin’, shimmied down right-quick and parked demselves outta covah but onnatop uv an objektiv. Den dey took sum potshots at da Stormies, but didn’t kill nobody. Da Buggies yanked it back and popped some kapps in da Slugga Boyz, pastin’ one uv dem.
Really kranked up now, da Stormies smashed inna da Freebootaz, intent on breakin’ one off up dey stripeypants-wearin’ beehins. Da Stormies hit da wall, howevah, cuz tho da ‘bootaz did get four uv dere tikkets punched, dey wrekked da Stormboyz’s krap, wipin’ dem out. Den da Buggies swung ‘round and took sum puffs at da Shoota Boyz, but dey all missed.
Den both bosses—Speedo as he wuz rabbitin’ and Sho-T as he wuz kontemplatnin’ a nap—heard the sound of Thunderhawks and Drop Pods, and dey knew dat da StripeyMarines were on dere way at last. Sho-T had Sprokkits call up Speedo on da sqwak box.
“Iffn yooze up ferz it,” Sho-T said, idly scratching hizzelf, “we kan pikkz dis up again annuder time, after we give dem TigerBoyz da boot. Wut sez ya?”
“Race ya dere, ya fat, ugly lump!” Speedo replied, snappin’
off hiz own sqwak box an’
laffin’ like a MadBoy.
Post-Game Analysis by
Post-Game Analysis by Kenton Kilgore
Lesson learned: never send a Speed Freek to do a Fighting Tiger’s job! There’s a lightning-clawed redhead who wants to see Sho-T, and she’s bringing an ass-whooping with her….
Posted August 2010